Here’s the truth: if you carry people-pleasing habits into postgraduate life, you may find yourself exhausted, directionless, and chasing goals that aren’t truly yours.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and #1 New York Times bestselling author of Good Inside studies people-pleasing amongst other social traits and warns that those who grow up focused on making others happy often end up anxious, burnt out and unsure of themselves as adults. Postgrad students are especially at risk: supervisors, departments, peers and family all pull on your time and energy.

If you want to succeed, you’ll need to make one big shift — from people-pleasing to purpose-leading. Here’s how.

1. Define What Success Means to You

Your postgraduate journey isn’t about ticking someone else’s boxes. It’s about your values and goals.

Ask yourself: Why am I pursuing this programme? What do I want out of it — skills, networks, career doors, intellectual joy?
Keep a personal mission statement visible — it will help you filter opportunities and decisions.

Remember: you can’t impress everyone. Aim to impress yourself.

2. Set Boundaries with Confidence

Grad school is full of extra requests — more teaching, more committees, more “quick favours.” People-pleasers say yes to everything. Successful students learn to protect their time.

Block out research hours and treat them as non-negotiable.
Use polite, clear refusals: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I really need to focus on my thesis.”

Remind yourself: Boundaries aren’t barriers — they’re guardrails that keep you moving toward your goals.

3. Celebrate Your Uniqueness

Your originality is what makes your work shine. Don’t be afraid to approach problems differently from your peers or even your supervisor.

Highlight when your perspective diverges — that’s where breakthroughs live.
Own your academic voice, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Remember: originality is rewarded and celebrated in academia, give yourself time to flex on this.

4. Choose Opportunities Strategically

Every extra role, project, or untargetted conference takes time away from your research. Before saying yes, ask: Does this move me closer to where I want to be?

Some “no’s” now create space for bigger “yes’s” later.
Don’t confuse visibility with progress — focus on opportunities that align with your goals.

Remind Yourself: Saying no to distractions is saying yes to your future.

5. Model Self-Respect

The way you treat yourself teaches others how to treat you.

Be clear about your needs in meetings with supervisors.
Advocate for resources, training, or mentorship that support your ambitions.

Show up as a scholar-in-training, not just a helper.

6. Redefine Helping Others

Collaboration is part of your postgraduate life — but it should energise you, not deplete you.

Offer help when it fits your strengths and schedule.
Don’t say yes out of guilt.

Protecting your energy allows you to contribute more meaningfully in the long run.

Final Word

Postgraduate study is a rare chance: years dedicated to growing as a thinker, a researcher and a future leader. Don’t spend that time chasing approval or trying to keep everyone else happy.

The most successful people aren’t people-pleasers — they’re purpose-driven. They know what they want, they protect their time and they lead their own journey.

So as you prepare for the next step, ask yourself: Am I pleasing, or am I leading?

Because the future belongs to those brave enough to choose themselves.